I was going to just write this post as the letter that you are about to read below, but I thought I better explain it a little so as to not sound like a complete and utter nutcase.
Basically, I decided to treat Milo post-kita (nursery/daycare) to a trip to Karstadt today as there is a pet store there full of rabbits, guinea pigs, mice etc and he loves to watch them. Then I thought we'd head on upstairs to the food area where there is a small play area and I planned to treat us both to a slice of cake.
I had these good intentions but it didn't exactly work out! Milo is back in one of his defiant phases at the moment which joyfully (NOT!) includes the following tendancies; doesn't listen to a word I say, wanders off in the opposite direction, cries and/or screams at most of what I say, throws whopping tantrums at the drop of a hat and many many more not so fun traits.
Checking out the animals went mainly problem free but upon leaving the pet store, Milo was adamant I should carry him. Now for those of you who don't know, Milo, nearing age 3 still wishes to be carried around at all times and it is a very tiring process trying to get him out of it. Before Christmas, without a buggy and going through the heartbreak of my failed relationship, I wasn't strong enough mentally (or even physically) to enforce the ''you're a big boy, you can walk by yourself'' rule and so I decided to leave that for post-Christmas and to carry him when need's be. Today I decided to get started on changing that and whoa did it not go down too well!
Now, back to where I left off. Milo wanted me to carry him, so I went down to his level and said something along the lines of ''you are a big boy now and big boys walk like you can do very nicely''. Needless to say, he wasn't too impressed with this answer and decided to try and climb me, grabbing at me and started whining. I then reconfirmed that I wouldn't be carrying him and that all we needed to do was to walk to the lift as we were going to go upstairs to have a lovely treat. He wasn't having it. Screaming started. The stamping of feet quickly followed and he wavered between refusing to move or trying to rugby tackle me to the ground to get me to carry him. It went on and on until we finally made it to the lifts. In the lifts going up, he screamed. He went so mad that his face was bright red and he was sweating. Out of the lift he screamed. He screamed. And screamed. And screamed. I tried to calm him down. I tried reasoning with him. I gave up and decided, that's enough, we're leaving. He screamed going down in the lift. He screamed coming out of the lift. You get the picture.
I tried talking to him once more and he just kept screaming at me. I decided at that point to ignore his behaviour and to just walk as he was following behind me, yelling at me and basically causing quite a kerfuffle. We were getting lots of looks by this point and people were starting to comment but I ignored what was going on. I actually am not all that bothered by people looking. I find that generally people will give you sympathetic looks (as I have to many a fellow parent in a similar situation) and I appreciate that sign of understanding and empathy but then! One woman decided to take it upon herself to come up to me, as Milo was still in full tantrum mode, and to tell me that I should ''calm my kid down'' (but in German of course). I couldn't quite believe it. I don't remember exactly what I replied with but it was something like ''I have tried'' and then I kept walking. The woman followed me and said ''what are you doing?! You should be talking to him, why aren't you explaining it to him?!''. I couldn't quite believe what was going on! I had Milo still screaming at me, a shop full of people starring at me and now this woman telling me what to do with my own child. She kept going and going and going, despite me walking away from her. She kept telling me off and telling me how shocked she was that I wasn't looking out for my child etc etc. Until the point where I lost my rag and told her to go away only in far more, none-blog-friendly-language! Milo, seemingly sensing my feeling attacked, took this moment to calm a little and to take my hand and walk with me as I made my escape from this enfuriating woman as quickly as possible. Thankfully (and this is what saved me from completely crumbling), a different woman came up to me and said ''ignore these stupid people around you, don't take notice of them. Keep strong and keep doing what you're doing''. I can't tell you how much I loved that woman in that moment. How grateful I am to her for coming up to me and saying that. THAT is what parents need to hear. Encouragement. Support. Empathy at a mimimum or even just for you to ignore what is going on if needs be, but not for the judgement of strangers who witness flash moments and then decide to stick their nose in where it doesn't belong. Phew! That was quite a rant! Anyway. Back to the letter. With this in mind, I have decided to write a (therapeutic) letter to those passer's by who do contemplate vocalising their judgement to us parents. Let me know what you think...
Dear passer's by,
Not you who give us parents a small nod, a sign of ''I've been there, I understand'' or ''children huh!''. No, not you. I mean those of you who watch and stare as my child has a tantrum. Those of you who tut and pass judgement on how us parents are (or are not) handling the situation at hand. Especially to those of you who dare to say something about it. To those who dare to tell the parent that they have stood, watching (and judging) how they should be dealing with their child. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? What right do you think you have to witness a mere moment of a situation between a parent and their child and to not only think that you know better (ok, so we have all done this, especially before becoming parents BUT...), not only that, but to have the utter indecency to go up to that parent and to tell them that what they are doing is wrong! Once again: WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?! The next time you believe you have all the answers. The next time you want to enter the fray and tell that parent what a bad job they are doing, please stop and think. Think about how stressful it would be to have your child screaming at you. Think about how this tantrum may have already been going on quite a while and how you don't have a clue how or why it began. Think about how you would feel if everyone in the room was starring at you. How you would feel if some utter stranger came up to you and told you that what you are doing is wrong. The next time you feel the need to open your mouth and share your negativity why don't you just close it up again and just walk away. Just walk away and take your judgement elsewhere.
Yours sincerely,
a Mother scorned
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I can never remember that German phrase that someone told me once that essentially meant 'Mind your own business'. I wish I did remember it, because I find people here far more willing to stick their noses into your business here than they would ever dare to in the UK. Good on you for having the ability to speak back to her.
ReplyDeleteI had a particularly bad day with my almost-3-year-old. as well. The general rule, as it is in my head, is, "If you think a child that is not yours is being annoying, it's an order of magnitude more annoying for the parent of said child." That goes double in an inescapable environment like an airplane.
ReplyDeleteThat second lady deserves a medal.
I saw this fantastic stand-up routine before becoming a parent and it has rung so, so, so, SO true after becoming one. If nothing else, I hope it provides you with a smile that you deserve.
Keep strong!!
wow, what a horrible situation for you. You did everything you could've done, and you did it well!
ReplyDeleteSome people really have no empathy or understanding - it's not as if you were hitting him. I do wonder if it would've been the same if you were in the UK.
I once saw a woman say (not loudly) 'ah ah ah' (while wagging her finger) at a boy who had been repeatedly wacking her child across the head. The mother of the hitter had a go at her, telling her she should let the kids sort it out themselves and that she should 'implode, not explode'(ie, not reprimand the child, but keep it bottled up) The mother of the hittee(?!) looked at her in disbelief, as I would've done.
Does any of that story make sense?! I was shocked at the lecture the poor woman got from the other mother, just for saying a couple of sounds at a kid who was clearly bullying her daughter.
My little one hasn't had an outdoor/in public tantrum yet (YET!) but she has bedtime ones. It's so hard not to back down to what they want and stick to your guns. I salute you young lady for doing so! Keep up the good work. :)
Just wondering why you've stopped using a buggy though?
Sounds like you are going through a very testing time with Milo. I do understand that it is hard and made even harder by idiots like this woman coming along and telling you how to handle it.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you handled the situation and this terrible woman very well. There should be more people like the woman that came and supported you.
Keep strong, do what you think is best (as you know your son best) and ignore these rude people who obviously don't have enough of a life that they feel that they have to contribute to others.
Oh I've yet to have too many tantrums in public but I posted on a forum recently explaining how when my son does have a tantrum, I have to give him a minute to let him calm down. Someone posted a reply implying I was cruel and how 'scary' tantrums must be and I was withholding affection from him.
ReplyDeleteI got very upset at this (because if he is having a tantrum he never wants to be touched, talked to or held). I also explained that often the tantrum has happened because I've told him off for hitting me or touching something he had been told not to. To be fair to this lady she then apologised but it did drive me mad that she leaped to this snap judgement.
I think most parenting decisions make absolute sense when you know the full picture and for someone you see in the street, you don't know it. I always try and give the "I've been there" sympathetic look if I see someone in this situation and try not to leap to conclusions.
Firstly, sorry to hear about your failed relationship (I've been off the blogging scene for a while).
ReplyDeleteSecondly, what a rude woman!! I would never dream of telling someone how to handle their child, even if I did have kids of my own!
Fiona - ''mind your own business' definitely sounds like a phrase I need to learn. I told here ''you have no idea what you are talking about'' a number of times but that didn't seem to phase her!
ReplyDeleteErik R. - ABSOLUTELY! Some people just sadly don't seem to think that way! I think there's something in the air with toddlers right now as another kid at Milo's nursery is also in a very testing phase currently! Good luck with your little one and I'll check out that stand up routine!
Beckie - yes, your story made sense. I think I would have said more then ''ah ah ah'' had I seen a child repeatedly hit Milo so the kids mother definitely wouldn't have liked me ha ha
David - thank you. As testing as a child can be, that woman was far more testing! Next time instead of wasting any time trying to explain my actions to someone like that I will just tell em where to stick it from the beginning and will walk away faster!
Mamacook - Good luck with the coming public tantrums. I actually find them often quite amusing myself, this was just a particularly bad one. I have had some funny looks though as Milo likes to throw himself full steam into said tantrums! He does nothing by halves my kid ha ha. Milo is the same as your son, when he is in such a tantrum, nothing I can say or do can snap him out of it so it's just about weathering the storm. People don't seem to get that for some reason!
Bevchen - Thanks. I have spoken with loads of people about that stupid woman and I am sadly not alone in my experience! Some people are just so room!
Too Right
DeleteOK when you next need it: The firm but polite way of saying "Mind your own business" is KUEMMERN SIE SICH UM IHRE EIGENEN ANGELEGENHEITEN
ReplyDeleteor
MISCHEN SIE SICH NICHT EIN!
It is unlikely, however, to deter a meddling idiot which this lady clearly was and might only add to infuriate them further so the best strategy I guess is to treat them like a child with a full-blownn tantrum: Ignore them.
Sympathies anyway... Here comes a layer of thick skin for when you next need it.
Right, I will make a mental note of those then and thanks for the thick layer of skin :)
ReplyDeleteEeeeek! What a dreadful day for you! I was SO pleased to hear the bit about the woman lending you support and encouragement. Made feel *phew*... people really don't know what is going and really should just let you be... seriously, who DOES she think she is?
ReplyDeleteGrrr.
Maggy
It truly was and yes, I could have given that other lady (the nice one!) a great big hug for that. If I ever see a mum go through someone telling her off in public then I plan on going over to her and telling her she's doing a good job too!
DeleteShocking that the woman would give you advice like that. I've had a similar experience but not actually being followed by someone! When my second son was a baby he was crying in his pushchair when I went in a few shops. Someone told me it was because he was bored and another then told me it was because he was uncomfortable. Really unhelpful when I was on the verge of crying myself. In my experience it's often women of an ''older generation who seem to think us younger ones need their heartfelt advice. Good for you for standing up to her and nice of the second woman to say what she did.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately Emily O, it seems to be a pretty regular occurance here. I'm glad I did tell her where to go in the end and although it's what finally brought me to tears, I'm glad the second woman was there to tell me to ignore the first!
Deletegood on you for telling her where to go, hope your little one has got used to walking too :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Lucy : Milo still would rather not walk alot of days but he's gotten so much better now and we haven't had many breakdowns due to it since this day
Delete