Resolutions Once More

It's that time of year again when you think about what you have and haven't achieved in the last year and about what lies ahead in the coming year. Last night I thought back to this time last year and my what a year it's been. Last year I was with 'The Lawyer' preparing for 2011 and then of course that relationship disipated, I started my jewellery business which has been growing and growing, I met someone special ('The Englander'), we started seeing each other, moved in together and that fell apart, my little Milo is developing into a chatty, super sweet loveable rogue and I am looking towards 2012 as a once again single mum with a big plan.

2011 has of course been a mixed year for me. Plenty of ups and many downs but I am feeling positive and I have learnt some important lessons. 2012 is going to be a different year. Here's my plan for 2012, I look forward to looking back this time next year and seeing how much of my list I actually achieved...

• Build a 'Workingberlinmum' website
• Build a 'Miss Bea wants' website and re-start the blog
• Get my jewellery selling in a small selection of Berlin-based boutiques
• Speak to the Job Center about any possible support available for opening a bricks & mortar shop and if there is, develop the idea and write a business plan
• Double this years online sales of my jewellery on Dawanda and Etsy
• Secure paid writing work
• Work on my bilingual children's book ideas
• Cut down on Diet Coke to drinking it just sporadically
• Regularly exercise
• Work on my apartment further
• Get my tattoo on my arm finished
• Sell my jewellery at markets around Berlin

What are your plans for the coming year? I'd love to hear about what you want to achieve in 2012

Have a great New Years Eve EVERYONE 

and 

looking forward to 'seeing' you in the new year!

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2011 - My Year in Pictures

January

 

February

March

 

April

May 

June

July

August

September

October

November

December

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Flight Survived

This evening, just about an hour ago in fact, Milo and I landed back on Berlin turf and I am now peacefully at home going through my post and am about to unpack whilst Milo is at his dad's, thrilled to be back with 'papa' and demanding to play with his Eisenbahn (steamtrain set). It's lovely to be home and I always get a little kick when I enter my apartment and get hit by that brand new smell. Honestly. After being away my apartment always builds that up smell I first experienced the very first time I walked through the front door to check the flat out and I remember that being such an exciting moment, falling in love with this apartment for the first time and wanting it to be my home, and I get to experience that delicious moment over and over again each time I return from a trip away. It may only happen a couple of times a year but oh how precious it is.

Milo and I had the best return journey to date today which was both unexpected and happily experienced and a new last minute treat that my parents kindly bought for us came in very handy at the airport: our very own Trunki.I'd seen this cute kids suitcases at the airport before but always forgot about it and then my cousin's girlfriend recommended me getting one for Milo as she found them really useful for when travelling with her little ones. I am so happy we went for it. I chose the fire engine design ( German link / English link ) as Milo has a big place in his heart for fire engines and squeels in delight whenever he see's one and it's both super cute AND super practical. It's opened up a whole new avenue of packing options meaning I can finally take advantage of Milo's handluggage allowance without having to carry yet another bag around (it fits within airline hand luggage allowances and comes with a lead so you can roll it along the floor) plus it kept Milo super entertained whilst we were at the airport. Bonus! In case you can't tell, I'm rather taken with the thing!

Back in Berlin, I have a lot of plans for the coming weeks. I can't wait to get started and I will fill you all in in good time. First I am off to unpack in a bit of peace and quiet. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.



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Child Free Shopping Bliss!

Yesterday I was given the gift of a couple of hours to shop child free (thanks Nanny) and boy did I make the most of it! I was lucky enough to get given a few pennies for Christmas and as a bit of a clothing fiend who seldom gets the chance to feed my fashion desires, I took the opportunity to buy some new pieces for my wardrobe with both hands held wide open and of course I used the time well!.

I headed at a pace towards Primark and didn't look back! I didn't have my phone with me so I have no idea how long I was in there for but I reckon I must have tried on at least 25 pieces of clothing: dresses, jumpers, shorts, trousers, tops etc and I left with two large Primark paper bags filled with clothing and accessories including 4 bags each bought for a bargain £3! Can't sniff at that! In March 2012 a Primark is finally due to open in Berlin (there are already 7 branches scattered around Germany but they haven't yet reached the capital). I can't wait!

Todays outfit: tights £2, Shorts £5, Top £4 = a very happy Workingberlinmum!

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Silent Sunday

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England So Far

A couple of days in to Milo and mine's Christmas trip to the UK this year and things are going ok. There's been some frustrating moments. For example, I always withdraw money on my German EC card, a type of debit card for those of you who don't know it, but for some reason, this time around, I haven't been able to so I have had no money of my own and have been reduced to being like a 10 year old asking my parents for a bit of cash when I need to buy something! Not exactly what I had planned!

On the plus side, Milo is loving sleeping in a big bed for the very first time, much helped by the Thomas the Tank Engine pillow and duvet case that my parents bought especially for the occassion! We also experienced a very momentous moment for Milo and I today with our first ever trip to the cinema to watch a film! I know the picture above shows one of the Chipmunks but we actually went to see the 2D version of Arthur Christmas and Milo seemed to love the experience as did I and my parents. It was actually a bit emotional for me, I felt a bit teary at times. As silly as it sounds but I love the cinema. I remember every single trip I have ever had to the cinema and although we didn't get to go all that often as kids, I remember with great joy the feelings I had each time my parents took my brother and I. I spent years working in cinema's and spent alot of my growing years in them. To this day, when down, nowhere cheers me up more then going to the cinema and I feel so at home and comfortable at them. We actually took Milo to the first cinema that I ever worked at in Crawley and it was weird taking my own son to the place that I worked at 12 years earlier. Very odd indeed.

On top of that, Milo has been a helping hand in the kitchen today. He helped my mum with making some toppings for cupcakes and then we each chose and placed toppings for personalised pizza's which Milo loved.

Tomorrow we are off to my Aunts and this is the highlight for me. I can't wait to get there and to see the rest of the family. Bring on the morning.


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Last Minute Stress

Tomorrow Milo and I will be flying to the UK and I must admit I am having a last minute stress! I have backache from carrying Milo around way too much in the last couple of days and as we are without buggy until we get to the UK, there will be lots of pressure put on my back tomorrow too. Then there's the fact that half the contents of my suitcase stink of wee as Milo weeed himself on top of the suitcase the other day (he loves to sit and play on it, needless to say it's a hard-shelled case). I cleaned the surface and didn't think any had gotten inside but in my stupid tiredness, I didn't do a thorough check and lo and behold, today, upon opening the case, a waft of pungent, peroxide-like stench flew up at me! Ugh. I don't have an alternative case so I have had to take out the clothing that smells of wee (thankfully not every single item) and put on a wash load, not exactly what I had in mind for this evening and have packed the rest in the other, slightly less wee-smelling compartment of the case.

Then there's the matter of the ride to the airport. Milo's dad usually drives us there and whilst it is MUCH better then taking the 1 hour bus ride (by car it takes a max of 20 mins to get there), it is usually a stressful experience with his dad who every single time disappears with Milo when I am mere seconds away from getting our passports checked and so then have to either rejoin the queue or yell out his name over and over before he finally slowly lulls his way back to me. This time Milo's Opa (his dad's dad) will be driving us and whilst I am relieved about it being someone else, he insists on having us there super early which means having to get Milo up before 5am, hanging around the airport for much longer then I usually would and keeping him from weeing himself, keeping him entertained and hoping that he doesn't crash with tiredness whilst on the plane as I have experienced that a couple of times now and it is not pleasant at all!

So there I am, stressed, a bit peeved and just wishing we were there already. At least I have only gotten stressed today rather then the usual whole December stress of will we make it over or not. Milo's still awake in his bedroom though, nattering to himself so who knows what the evening, early morning will have in store for us. Wish us luck!

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Tattoo Therapy Part II

Once again I have been pretty absent of late. Not because I have been sitting around crying, nope, not at all, it's that I managed to secure a last minute spot at a Christmas market to sell my jewellery and so I was working 14 hour days to get everything ready for the day and it was pretty exhausting. I ate two proper meals in 2 days and supplemented the rest of the time with either snack foods or nothing! After that I have been focusing on packing and preparing the bucket load of last minute sales and working out the details for our flight to England early Wednesday morning! It's pretty full on.

I did take a bit of a time out from my hectic schedule today for a bit of therapy, workingberlinmum style! I've written about my tattoo's in a few previous posts:

• Tattoo Therapy
• A Helping Hand
• Symbolism 

Getting tattoo's really does work as therapy for me, that feeling of release during the process and also, I just love how they look! Today I headed over to AKA in Kreuzberg which has an amazing right up everywhere I've looked and you can check out their stunningly skilled regular guest tattooist's portfolios on their site. I had big plans for the tattoo today but unfortunately we ran out of time due to our chatter and my lack of serious reference materials (I am usually good with that but was rubbish today!) so it isn't finished quite yet but you can see most of the main tattoo in the photo's I've taken. Hope you like them...

Before

After

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Moving Onwards and Upwards

It's been a bit of a strange and strained few weeks as any of you who read my blog regularly would know. I can honestly say however that things truly feel on the up. Towards the end of my relationship, in one of its rockiest moments, I read a status update (oh the joy of Facebook) that my now ex wrote in which he compared our relationship to a bad job that it was maybe time to get out of. Ouch! It was an analogy that at the time, especially since we hadn't yet ended things, struck me pretty hard. It was a biting expression and a public one at that. A couple of weeks down the road and there I was this morning, walking back home from dropping Milo off at Kita and I, rather surprisingl,y too found myself making a work related analogy regarding the end of our relationship. In the last 4 days or so I have started to pick myself up out of my self-pitying hole and have begun to see that what has occured of late could be the making of me. Here comes the analogy... I know alot of people who have lost jobs either through redundancy, being ''let go'' from seemingly secure temp jobs or even through being fired (the third hasn't happened to me yet but the other two have) and I have often said to those people that this seemingly negative experience could just well be what they need to push them in to the direction that they actually would rather be in. A kick up the bottom so to speak (a far politer way of putting it then I would naturally use but hey this is a kid friendly blog!.) This seems to be exactly what the ending of this relationship has been for me. Is it what I had hoped for? Absolutely not. Would I rather be in the emotional place I was with said ex 4 months ago? Absolutely. This however is no longer an option and instead I am moving forward and at a rapid rate at that. Nothing to do with guys, that can more then wait and a long time I plan too, but in life in general.

I have been in many a negative relationship. I have experienced plenty of physically and emotionally damaging supposed 'partnerships' and many a guy has worked at pushing my self confidence down and at pulling me slowly apart. I am older now though and stronger and I won't let it be done to me any more. I am not who I am with, I am me, myself and I as the lovely saying goes and I am worth more then that and unlike in the last 9 years or so, a time in which I didn't have much faith in my own value, I now know I am worth knowing, loving and being with and that I am someone who will one day be happy with a partner but who will also achieve many things alone and is more then capable of standing on my own two feet.

This is all getting a bit too girl power for my liking, gone are the 90's and I have no interest in stepping back in to my Nike Air trainers just yet but I am feeling good. My blog is moving along nicely with a wonderful following of fantastic readers (thank you) and since having the iPhone I am in love with tweeting and the networking opportunities it opens (find me at 'workberlinmum'). I am working hard at being more social and am organising regular playdates and general meets with friends and haven't felt lonely at all in the last week and a half. Next year I am going to start making use of the fact that I have my apartment child-free a couple nights a week and I am going to have friends round and start organising events for fellow expat mums/moms based here in Berlin and I am loving all the organisation that goes in to it.

Milo and I are also closer then ever and whereas whilst 'The Englander' and I were together, Milo didn't really have much interest in me and didn't want to be held by me at all. He now cuddles and kisses me and is regularly holding my hand and wanting to play with me and I love it. I have my little sausage back and I guess he feels he has me back. We are a little team of two now and that isn't all that bad. Bring on 2012, I am going to hit you head on and not look back!


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Silent Sunday

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The Very Modern Family

This evening I met Milo's dad's new girlfriend. It was a first having it this way around. His dad has met the 3 men I've dated since Milo was born and I have met a woman who was in his life but she was never crowned his girlfriend as such but tonight I met the new woman in Milo's life. I wasn't sure how I would find it but I am happy to say that it all went rather smoothly. It wasn't just us there which helped, there was a gathering of sorts to celebrate Milo's dad's birthday and I was there in short attendance to pick Milo up and to hang around for a bit as I knew a number of the attendees. I was very bemused to discover that said girlfriend was English! Oh yes. How I laughed inwardly (and also a bit too loudly outwardly when I discovered for sure that the British girl in the other room was the one he is dating), although please don't think that he is going for a doppelganger or anything, we couldn't be any more different. She was very sweet though and we chatted for quite a bit about her time here in Berlin (she's a relative newcomer) and about language learning and the like (all said in German I must add). There was no interaction with Milo as such as he was far too busy playing with his Eisenbahn (wooden train set) in the room next door but I am quite happy to think there'll be another person in Milo's life who can speak English to him and I even said this to her as we were leaving, asking for her to please converse with him in English rather then German, hopefully she'll keep it up.

On the way home I was thinking about how easy it was and about how things were when 'The Englander' was on the scene and what a very modern family we have become and I am quite happy about it. No, it's not the kind of family situation that I imagined for myself and yes of course I would have rather had a family in the traditional way without all this single parenting malarky but after Milo was born I did hope that at some point we would be able to have family events in which I would be there with my partner and Milo's dad would be there with his partner and it would all work and I reckon that we are actually at a point in which that could be possible. For me, whilst there are certainly down sides to having separated parents, when done in a civil way, there are also some real plus sides. Milo will (hopefully) not just have two special people in his life parenting him but possibly four and with that extra Grandparents and cousins and all that comss with that. That to me is a big plus. If four people can love him so much then I think that's brilliant for him. It is of course important that I like the other woman in his life but with what I saw from tonight, and I know you can only tell so much from a first meeting but still, I don't see why I wouldn't like her.

All this made me think of an article I read during the week on 'The Huffington Post England' website titled 'More Than 80% of Families are Non-Traditional, Research Finds'. Check it out and see what you think.

Are you living in a non-traditional family set up? How do you find it? What do you consider are the upsides and the downsides? I'd be interested to hear your views.

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Apartment Therapy and my Humble Abode

Today my recent order from Amazon.de arrived. I often try and buy my books from the UK and with a dad who is a massive bookworm and who volunteers for a charity shop in my home town, most of my books come from there but every once in a while I hop on to the 'Englisher Bucher' section on Amazon to buy a special treat. Today's treat was 'Apartment Therapy's Big Book of Small, Cool Spaces'. I've had my eye on this book for a little while now and had, until this week, shyed away from the 20 Euros cost (it isn't cheap buying English language books when abroad ,let alone the hardback, reference style ones!)

'Apartment Therapy' is an interior design blog originally and still works as such but they have now progressed in to print and I love the book! In the last couple of months a lot of work has been done to this apartment and whilst recent events has changed alot in my life, I still want to continue to work to make this apartment be the best it can be. The colourful pages of this book have filled my head with so many little ideas, especially for Milo's room, and I can't wait to get my teeth stuck in to them! The new year will bring a lot of changes to this humble abode! Watch this space!

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Sociology in Television

I just finished an episode in Derren Brown's 'The Experiments' series. If you don't know who Derren Brown is, he's an illusionist and mentalist who is prominent on British TV and has gone from doing the standard illusionary tricks on 30 minute episodes to working on shows highlighting the lies told by Television Evangelists in the USA to making a man who is petrified of flying in planes to make an emergency landing (or so the subject thought at least). There are many people in the UK who are skeptical of him, who believe that most of what he is does is set up or manipulated heavily (many of whom are my friends) but I absolutely adore his work and find the man and what he does both intriguing and highly entertaining.  I love that he's incorporated a form of social morality into his shows and I think there's alot to be learnt from what it is he does. Check him out on Youtube and you will find a number of clips showing off some of his earlier illusions and tricks. Unfortunately my favourite videos can't be embedded on here but search for 'Derren Brown Subliminal Advertising', 'Derren Brown How to Get Drunk Without Drinking', 'Derren Predicting Behaviour'. These video's show how how much of what he does comes down to basic psycology and sociology and is fascinating. To me at least. Let me know what you think!

Anyway, to my point. So, on the latest show that I just watched 'The Gameshow' (British based readers can watch it within the next 4 days on Channel 4 here) otherwise it's available in 4 parts starting with part 1 below

The Gameshow part 1




The show delves into the psycological term 'individuation' and in basic terms it is an experiment to see whether being in a group and anonymous affects people's capacity to choose between right and wrong. The premise was interesting but as mob mentality is pretty clear already in our society (not just in the UK of course), I figured it would be quite obvious what would happen and therefore I wasn't sure there would be so much of interest to see from the episode but I must admit that the crowd went further then I thought and it is an interesting insight into what has happened to us. I found it most appropriate that they included a brief clip of a baying crowd at a Big Brother eviction booing at one of the exiting contestants as this is something I have always found fascinating. I admit that I watch Big Brother still. I know it isn't everyone's cup of tea but I still find that amongst the vanity and desperation for stardom of the housemates, there is still alot to learn from the people and I have always been interested in human behaviour. Seeing 'The Experiments' has reignited this fascination of mine and I now want to find some books on the subject of 'indivuation'. I have previously read alot on criminology (my favourite subject in this field), on stalking and on Stockholm Syndrome and I have always said that were I ever to become rich (unlikely I know but you never know!) then I would take a course in criminology. I've checked them out on 'Open University' but as my interest is purely that rather then a will to get into the field for work or the like, it costs just too much to do. Maybe one day though.

If you watch the show then please do let me know what you think.

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The Bursting Dam

I have been through plenty of heartbreak and heartache in my 29 years so this time around it shouldn't really be that different but it really is. With the rollercoaster of emotions that are swirling around inside me, I keep trying to pinpoint what it is I am feeling and the main emotion I can understand is loss. As silly as it sounds, it feels akin to the death of someone. I feel like someone was taken away from me too soon. With the end of my relationship I have not only lost my boyfriend, my partner, I have lost my friend. It's damn hard I have to say. The problem is that I am pretty rubbish at letting these emotions out properly. In order to stay strong for Milo, in order to be able to keep going with some form of daily structure, I have to deaden the emotions a certain amount, I fear I would crumble otherwise and yet I know that in order to be healthy about all this, I do actually need to let it out in some way. It's just working out how to manage to do that without becoming a mess, embarrassing myself or feeling pathetic. It's certainly not coming out at the best of moments currently! Today I was called by Milo's Kita (nursery/daycare) to come pick him up as they were concerned about the amount he was coughing (great, a toddler who is testing me constantly at the moment is all I need to add into the mix!) and as I had next to no fresh food in the house I thought it best we pop to Lidl, one of the local supermarket's, on the way home. This is where 'The Englander' and I used to do our weekly shop and as ridiculous as it sounds, this was one of my favourite routines that we had. Yes, I know it's the weekly food shop, hardly an amazing adventure but as someone who craved for Milo and I to be a 'family', something I only felt once 'The Englander' was in our lives, this was one of those things that felt like a 'family moment'. I used to love it. I loved us each going off to find items, us deciding what to treat ourselves too and picking up a cheeky bag of Haribo here and there to snack on that evening.  This feeling of loss then hit me with a thud. A rather mighty, horrific thud. So much so that I was struggling to not burst into tears all the way home and had to put the TV on as soon as we got back so that I could keep Milo distracted whilst I had a bit of an emotional breakdown in the kitchen! Thank God for the TV!

Now don't worry folks, I won't spend the coming months moaning about my broken heart and how much I miss my ex boyfriend, I know that would drive you all away pretty darn fast but as I am quite frankly awful at sharing my current problems (past ones I have no problem discussing with anyone! strangers included!), I figured this could be one method to get some of this out of my system a bit.

Moan over. Will try and keep it that way.
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Impossible to Replace the Irreplaceable

I have been thinking about this post all day. Trying to work out what to write, what not to write and how much I can even handle to write. In my last post, I referred briefly to some troubling times lately and whilst Milo has been a bit of a handful, those troubles were actually not to do with him. Once again 'Workingberlinmum' is single and is in the very early stages of working on repairing a broken heart. I won't go in to detail for the sake of 'The Englander' (it is always my vow that whilst I choose to write this blog, those around me haven't and therefore I don't go in to personal matters of others without their blessing) but will simply say that I am devastated by how things now have to be and I plan on keeping my heart to myself and to Milo for a long time. It's impossible to replace the irreplaceable.

I am pushing myself to not delve into despair and to keep my head high for the sake of both Milo and my sanity and so I am pushing through in the only way I know how right now in that I am delving head first in to my work. Luckily for me, my work is really moving forward now and both shops are selling at a good rate and I am receiving some wonderful reviews for my jewellery. I have so many plans for the coming year, it's just a shame that they won't be shared in a way that I had envisaged.
Christmas is going to feel lonely with a large whole in the shape of 'The Englander' who was supposed to join Milo, my family and myself this year (tears fill my eyes as I write this! Dagnamit!) and New Years! Well, it seems that it may well just be a sleeping Milo and I for that too.

I am going to do my best to keep positive though. I am going to work hard on building up friendships (my previous friendships from pregnancy and Milo's first year have almost all disintegrated into mere distant memories) and I am going to work on getting my jewellery in to shops and am even looking in to the possibility of opening my own bricks and mortar shop (which would be a dream if possible!).

That'll keep me busy for now. I just have to get used to these quiet, solo nights again. That'll take a while.

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Getting in to the Christmas Spirit!

So. I have been pretty absent of late. Did you miss me? Well, things have been a bit rocky of late. There's been some pretty down right awful times and I needed to step away for a little while. I'm back now though and I am getting in to the Christmas spirit with the beginning of December and today I pulled Milo's very first Advent Calender off of the Christmas shelf (a place where I am putting all my Xmas related goodies; presents, decorations and all).

I decided, this year, to start a Christmas tradition for Milo and instead of buying the usual chocolate calender from one of the cheapo shops, I invested a little money in to a traditional wooden, house shaped advents calender from 'Idee' (link in German) and I absolutely love it! Milo has already had a peek and seemed to like it too thankfully. I have been collected lots of little bits and pieces to fill it with and Milo will open each little drawer to reveal either a little food treat, stickers, balloons, a mini car (from out of a Kinder Egg that I ate :)) and more.

I am a little nervous as to how it will all go. Whether or not Milo will get annoyed at there not being more treats inside or if it will become a fun little daily routine. Let's wait and see!

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