Goodbye 2010, Hello 2011

So as we all well know, it's New Years Eve tomorrow. I have been working all week at getting my tolerance for going to bed later and it has been working well (much thanks to Diet Coke of course) but today I just had the 1 can. Today I am going to bed early. Tomorrow is what could possibly be my last big NYE for a while. Not in a major dramatic sense but next year I will have Milo (his father and I have falled into a one year on, one year off routine) and who knows what the following year after that will bring...

On that note, 'The Lawyer' is back after what felt like a really long week away. I know it's only been a week but it's not been the best one and it's been in the main just Milo and I or just me (whilst he's been with his dad) so I am looking forward to having my other half back. Because of this, because I planned to take Milo over early enough to his father's tomorrow that I (hopefully) won't be too exhausted for the rest of the day, I will be going straight from the drop off to 'The Lawyer's'. With that, there will be no blog tomorrow so this is officially my last blog post of 2010. Hmmmm. I guess there is nothing better to finish it off with other then my New Years Resolutions for 2011....here goes....

• Go to the gym a minimum of twice a week
• Create a regular routine for cleaning the apartment
• Take control of food budget & do a proper weekly shop
• Eat less sweets (especially Wine Gums and Fred Ferkel which are my great weaknesses!)
• Cut down on the Diet Coke habit (this was present in last years and I didn't do so well so here's hoping second time round fares better!)
• Drink more water
• Work fixed hours and take some time off in the evenings to step away from the computer 
• Work out a weekly budget and stick to it
• Stop thinking and planning life through to the nth degree!

I'll let you know this time next year how I got on!

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''Spirited toddlers''

Milo is currently in the throws of showing me how difficult it is to handle a, what is it people call them?! Erm ''spirited toddlers''. You watch these shows like Supernanny on which a frazzled Mum of 3 sons doesn't dare go to the Supermarket or to a restaurant with her children for fear of 1 of them being run over in the parking lot, 1 rampaging through the entire store and 1 ending up on top of the highest shelf in aisle 4 throwing crisp packets at innocents passer's by. I have always felt empathy for that woman but now I sit here thinking - I have trouble keeping one child in line what would I do if there were another two to deal with at the same time?!!! Seriously! I've mentioned my love of 'Supernanny' previously (read post here and here) and how over the years I have devoured her lessons in trying to keep your kids in line but teaching them (with added fun) at the same time.

The problem with this though is all the kids in the shows seem to be 3 years and up. Plus whenever I go on the Supernanny Forum I encounter the same problem. Does none of it work for a 2 year old? Or a near 2 year old! I have no idea whether they can learn about how to behave when at a Supermarket or not at Milo's age (21 months) but I'm a firm believer in trying to start the lessons early and hopefully by the time they are at an age where it should start to work hopefully it will. HOPEFULLY.

The thing is though that Milo damn well knows when he's doing something naughty. You can often see it ahead of time. For example, I attempted a trip to the TK Maxx Neukölln on Monday with Milo in the hopes of recovering some of Milo's (and my) sanity by doing something out of the apartment but my God what a disaster that was! First there were the toys. Milo of course wanted to play with everything. This I allowed, there was no major rush afterall. Then he spotted a John Deere Tractor and of course playing with this wasn't enough alone, of course he wanted to take it with him. This wasn't allowed. Cue major meltdown number 1. Now he's a child. He's discovered a want for things in a big way and it's come to be expected. I don't actually mind that too much, in fact some times it's amusing (I know this will decline) but it was meltdown number 2, 3 and 4 which got to me. At one point he was a roped off area. A barrier under which no-one was supposed to pass. Much to my surprise, Milo recognised the rules here and I could tell by his conspiratorial eyeing up of the rope and then the mischievous looks in my direction that he knew he wasn't allowed to go there. He looked at the rope. Looked at me. Back to the rope and then back to me. This went on for a couple of minutes. I told him he wasn't allowed under and let's go look at the books. The looks back and forth continued. I warned him that if he went under the rope or didn't come voluntarily with me then I would have to pick him up and take him away from there. His looks continued. I picked him up. All hell broke lose. Thankfully there was nothing breakable within kicking distance of his feet because they were going at quite a speed!

Today in the supermarket was the same. It's a slow process. There was one guy watching mine and Milo's interaction through the entire supermarket, clearly fascinated by our exchanges (yes purely that). I sometimes receive sympathetic looks from the cashiers. Sometimes concern. Is this how it's going to be for the next few years?!!!


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The Ups and Downs of Christmas

I've been taking a little time off. Time off from major emailing. Time off from the blog. Time off from my online shops and time off from most things outside of Milo and I myself. Mainly this has been a choice I made, not something I had planned in advance but something that came about and I ran with. Partly it's been because Milo has been so exhausting that I haven't had the energy to get my brain and body to respond co-ordinately enough to manage to type let alone do anything else.

We managed to survive the whole Christmas debacle though. Christmas Eve was spent at Milo's Oma and Opa's house (his German Nan and Grandad) with a bunch of the German side of his family (and what I consider my adopted family here) and they treated us well. Even Santa turned up for a visit. With a stick?! Santa doesn't usually have a stick in England. Milo just stood looking up at him open mouthed in awe. I don't think he quite knew what was going on but he got that it was something big. He also received a few little goodies which were kindly organised last minute by the family but Milo was on the main far more interested in the walnuts and his cousin's wooden train set (much to his 4 year old cousin's dismay).

 Milo staring, dumbfounded at Santa

 

Milo and his favourite toy that evening - walnuts!

Due to Milo finally going to bed 4 hours after his usual sleep time (7pm) we had a rough night or wake ups and crying and then Milo finally refusing to sleep on his own at a shocking 5.40am after such a night. I tried something that usually wouldn't work and lay him down on the sofa bed next to me, closed my eyes and pretended I was asleep, hoping he would catch on and a Christmas Miracle happened (thanks Santa!), Milo actually fell asleep next to me. Unfortunately though, because of Milo's blocked up nose, he was snoring so loud in my ear that I didn't manage to get much sleep after that point and then Milo kept whacking me sporadically with his arm mid-dream or whatever it was. He slept though and I got a bit of a chance to snooze so when he finally properly awoke we were both in a rather merry frame of mind. For a while. We attempted to go visit a friend in the morning but failed miserably due to the extensive build up of snow and me desperately and frustratingly (oh and YES, stupidly) trying to push a buggy through it. Milo screamed almost the whole time and after only managing to make it half way to the station in more then tripple the time it would usually take to make it the whole way I gave up and made the haul to get back home. In the afternoon we were at one of 'The Ladies's' homes where we were quickly made to feel at home and ate a delicious Christmas meal. It was really lovely that they took us Christmas orphans in and we felt well looked after but there were of course moments where I wished I was with my family. Especially after getting back home and Milo being in bed. It felt lonely. It took me back to the time when I had just moved into this flat, 5 months pregnant, living on my own for the first time and not having many friends. Not a pleasant time to think back to.

 Milo asleep on my back in the Ergo Baby Carrier

Me looking very cold after walking around in the freezing cold for an hour so Milo could nap

Milo and his cracker on Christmas Day

Since then Milo has been showing his frustration at being stuck at home so much, not being at Kita (nursery/daycare) and basically just being bored out of his mind. His mood has been on major ups and downs and there have been moments where he has driven me to absolute madness. I can't quite put into words the joy I feel right now at the simple lack of sound in the apartment (Milo has been at his Dad's since 11am and is staying over night). It has been much needed. On the plus side, the extra boost of English seems to be doing him a world of good and last night Milo said the sentance ''that's a bus''. Considering he's had a slow to build vocabularly I was completely blown away when he managed a sentance. That's my boy!


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Christmas (ach)IEV(ment)

I'm doing better today then yesterday. No tears so far. Instead of moping around the apartment feeling lonely and sorry for myself I have been rampaging through my apartment cleaning, organising, re-organising and basically keeping myself super busy. No time for self-pity. It's working so far. I even cleaned the windows! You always know something major is happening to me when I actually make the effort to get up on a chair and clean my windows!!! I'm not quite done yet. I just stopped for a lunch break and a breather and then will be jumping back in. The best thing I've achieved this morning is I sorted through Milo's toys. There are alot of little bits and pieces that he simply has no interest for anymore. My favourites and the most successful toys I am packing away for baby number two (not coming quite yet before people get too excited) and the rest I am going to pass on. It makes no sense to just have piles and piles of toys hanging around unplayed with I figure. It may not be the Christmas Eve I had planned or hoped for but at least I've achieved something.

Right, back to work...

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Goodbye to Christmas

I had to take a neccessary break in what had been (up until Tuesday at least) a good run of blog post writing for me. It feels ridiculous, my reasoning for not being able to write, for not feeling up to writing what I want, scrap that, need to say, it's not as though someone has died. Neither Milo or I have been dramatically harmed in anyway but still It's been a bit of an emotional few days. Now I am at the point of feeling quite numb to it and therefore ready to be able to write this without bursting into tears. At least I think.

So, as I said, it's not that anything world-changing has happened but after finally letting myself believe there was a good chance that Milo and I would actually be able to make it over to England on our flight this morning and after packing our bags I received a call from Milo's father who had been to the doctors with Milo (as I was on quarantine from a horrible stomach bug which struck me down Monday) to say that Milo had a middle ear infection and that he's not allowed to fly with it. Ugh. I had spent the last couple of weeks permanently worried about whether or not we would be able to fly into Gatwick (ma parent's local airport) or not due to the snow situation in England but what I hadn't thought about was Milo suddenly getting an ear infection! There had been none of the normal tell-tale signs. To say it was a blow is an understatement. There were tears. Lots of them. I was a bit of an emotional wreck in the following hours and writing this now I can feel myself starting to get teary again. I need to push that away. I was so looking forward to Christmas.

I love Christmas. I love the tradition of going to my Aunts each year, of excitedly waiting for the presents in the morning, of the bacon sandwhiches and piles and piles of food that gets laid on. Of the Turkey and sausage meat and best of the roast potatoes. I was so looking forward to Milo's second Christmas when he would much more likely have a bit of an understanding that something special was happening. Instead. My family will be at my Aunts. Milo and I will be in Berlin.

I thankfully have wonderful friends, many of whom have invited me over to theirs for Christmas day so it won't just be Milo and I and I am very thankful for that VERY THANKFUL but it of course won't be the same. Milo and I will still be on our own all morning and half the afternoon. There'll be one present opened and then it'll be just a normal day like any other. My Christmas day isn't even Christmas day here (they celebrate tomorrow, on Christmas Eve).

Because of all this, I have just put it to the back of my mind as much as possible. I am kind of pretending that Christmas just isn't happening this year because it's just too upsetting otherwise. This is all very dramatic isn't it. I feel a bit of an idiot being so upset about it but I just can't help it. It just feels really awful to not be there with my family experiencing the Christmas tradition that I love so much.



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Baby Sense

There seems to be a point when your child knows they just need to behave at a particular moment. I have witnessed this a few times with Milo. When I had just found out that my Uncle had passed away and shortly after Milo's father brought him back to my place for the night Milo just gave me this really tight hug, then a couple of weeks ago his father and I had a disagreement on the phone which left me incredibly frustrated and although Milo had spent most of the afternoon screaming at me, he stopped for a moment and enveloped me in his arms. His skills at being able to see that mummy needs a bit of a break came into play this morning. He awoke at 5.30am and normally an early wake up like that would be followed by hours of crying and kicking whilst he struggles with being awake but also not wanting to sleep. This morning was different. I had awoken feeling incredibly uncomfortable and unwell and with the digging feeling that I could be sick at any moment. I took Milo in my arms but had to instantly sit down with him on the sofa in his room. Now normally this would be received with an almighty cry as Milo wants to be carried around for a while after first waking up but this morning he accepted it and we just cuddled and rocked for a while whilst I tried to avoid the sinking feeling that I was going to have a couple of bad hours ahead of me. I then finally mustered the power to carry him into the living room and needing desperately to lie down, I placed him down next to me and he lie next to me patting me on the head and smiling at me. After 40 minutes I knew things were going to get steadily worse with my belly so I called Milo's father and asked him to come pick Milo up and to take him to Kita (nursery/daycare) as I wasn't up to and thank God I picked my timing so well as 30 seconds after Milo's dad arrived I had to run to the bathroom. I won't go into details. I went and lay back in bed as I heard Milo's dad going through the apartment, talking to himself out loud and trying to find bits and bobs for Milo as I was of little use and then Milo came into the living room where I sleep and gave me a cute wave and then he was gone down the hallway. What a sweatheart. Thanks Milo for the chance to be sick in peace!


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What Came First - The Chicken or The Egg?

Over the last week I have started to notice myself doing alot of the same expressions and noises as Milo. Things such as growling a little like him, pushing my forehead against 'The Lawyer' in play (this probably sounds really odd but I don't know how else to explain it) and then I checked out a photo of Milo and I sitting at this very computer I am typing away on right now and I saw down to a T a Milo expression on my face. Or is it that Milo's mimicking my expressions?! That's where I'm a little unsure. As with alot of things with regards to my pre-motherhood self, I simply can't remember whether or not I did those kind of expressions before he came along anyway or if I have seen them so much in my son that I am now doing the same. Thankfully I haven't started drooling profusely or using my teeth when kissing but I am starting to wonder how many steps away I am from getting to this point?! Maybe I need to warn 'The Lawyer'!

I remember my late Uncle who used to paint and draw had some seaside postcards published one of which was a comical observation how many people get pets who tend to look a little like themselves (as a kid I was thrilled to have my Uncle make a place matt version of the postcard for me in exchange for helping to wash and wax his car) and I have had various conversations with gay friends of mine about gay couples where the pair often look very alike (this happens plenty in straight relationships too when you really take a look) and I already know for a fact that when I spend enough time with people I tend to start to pick up their mannerisms. Hmmmm, I am not any closer to an answer on this?! Maybe some of my readers who knew me pre-Milo can answer that?! Maybe not.

Here's the photo that triggered the pondering...

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Frustrations and lack of sleep for non-baby reasons

This is just going to be a quick post. Believe me, it's for the best. Not only am I exhausted due to a late night (non child related) and an early wake up (ditto - why is it that even when I don't have Milo I still often wake up so early! Luckily 'The Lawyer' does too!) but I am also deeply frustrated after practically begging for help (with the curtains which were falling literally half off the wall thanks to Milo pulling them down and I was having to perch precariously on the edge of the sofa trying to stop the whole thing from falling out of the wall whilst Milo was trying to pull them and me down) from Milo's father who lives around the corner from Milo and I and him of course refusing because he didn't decide it was important enough which point he then re-iterated via email afterwards!!! Very helpful. I now have hammered and pinned up a bedsheet over Milo's windows which doesn't exactly do the job but it's something at least and fingers crossed it'll stop Milo waking up super early tomorrow morning! On that note Milo has just woken up and is crying in the next room so I'm off to deal with him and then to bed. I need the extra sleep!



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Christmas Spirit and Worry

Well as we all know that time of year is almost on our doorstep. The time when we eat way too much and then complain about our exploding waistlines, when the oldies (of which group I am not quite yet included) perch on the sofa snoring (some louder then others!) and when the inevitable family grumbles and even full blown arguments errupt. Ahhhhhh it's Christmas time. Cue the myriad of Coca Cola adverts!

Alot of the blogs I read are of course discussing the usual frustrations and expenses of all that comes with Christmas time and I have been kind of avoiding the subject here. It's not that I'm all BAH HUMBUG far from it. I love Christmas. I really do. It's just that it's becoming a new part of my yearly tradition to have the worry about whether or not Milo and I will actually make over to England to spend Christmas with the family or not. The flights were booked an age back, the presents have been bought and the bags are ready to be packed but last years experience has left a little worrysome scare on the whole proceedings. Last year Milo and I were stuck at the airport waiting, waiting, WAITING for 6 hours, regularly being told the plane was delayed, then no news, then more delays and then finally after all that time a small message came up on the airport screens saying that the flight had indeed been cancelled (surely they know this more in advance!) and that was it. No staff telling us where to go for alternatives. No one even telling us how in heck we were supposed to get our baggage. It was a right mess. Luckily Milo and I were entertained most of the time by a father and his daughter who must have been something like 5 who avidly showed me her ring collection and even lent me one to wear for a while. Spending the time chatting to them kept Milo mainly happy and the time actually went far quicker then it otherwise would have but a 6 hour delay with a 21 month old will be a whole different bag. We did manage to make it over to England in the end, having bought more tickets and flying two days later on Christmas eve. This year we are due to fly on the 23rd and whereas I have been worrying about whether or not we'll make it in the last days, I have looked at the 10 day forecast for around the area we are due to land and it is not looking too bad at the moment so there is hope.

Just keep your fingers crossed for us everyone!

Oh and here's a little video full of trees and joy for those in need of a bit of music and glee in their lives... Flash Mob


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THWACK!!!

 Watching silly videos on YouTube

Yesterday I experienced one of those heart stopping horrendous moments that I believe only parents can truly truly understand as I watched my son run head first into the corner of a wooden table! THWACK. It was truly awful. Thank God he isn't any taller yet as just a little bit extra hight and the corner would have connected with his eye! We were at dinner having an early Christmas celebration due to the fact that Milo spends Christmas with me and my family in England rather then with his Dad and his family here in Germany and the evening had been more then a little difficult already up to that point as Milo is in heavy teething mode and it's making him (and in return me) crazy. There had been alot of tears and kicking with breaks here and there when food was placed in front of him or for the almost hour that he stood on the kitchen counter top (only at Grandma's place!) opening and shutting the doors to the cupboards and reorganising the herb shelf. Then towards the end it got to the stage when Milo was so overtired that he went manic and was jumping and climbing all over his cousin (who even at 4 1/2 wasn't all that impressed by this) and running around. I was keeping a stern eye on him as it was clear the two of them were tired and this is usually the time that at least one of them will end up in tears but unfortunately Milo was too fast or I was too slow, who knows, when it came to the table corner and then came the THWACK. Ugh! My heart just sank to the pit of my stomach and both his father and I rushed over to him and I grabbed him up into my arms. We put an ice pack on his foreheard as best we could although that's not the easiest task with a seriously upset and then peeved wriggling toddler. The lump wasn't too bad and I've seen worse on him (with no doubt worse still to come) so I managed to relax(-ish) about it after a while but still when I think about it today I feel awful. The poor thing. Just seeing his little body rebound from the force of it alone was terrible. You know how when you see someone you love bleeding, how this feeling shoots through your body. Well it was that 100 fold!

As I've said though, this will without doubt not be the last incident of this sought! With having a zealous child comes such moments so it will have to be. I just have to try and buffer the major accidents as much as possible! In the mere (almost) 21 months that Milo has been around so far we've already had:

• 3 lumps on the head (separate incidences) 
• A split lip
• Black eye
• Cut eye
• Bloody mouth
• Many fingers caught in various doors
• Bleeding toe

and probably many more that I have willfully deleted from my memory. Oh the merry-go-round of parenting.
It wasn't all doom and gloom yesterday though. Here's some photos from our pre-Christmas celebration...

Mmmmmm Blueberry Pie!

Milo's joy at seeing his blueberry beard!

What a Difference a Day Makes

As the song says it so well ''What a difference a day makes!''. After days of crying, screaming, crying and oh, a little more screaming today I picked up Milo from kita and once again he was a completely different child!!! As I have written before (check out previous post here) it sometimes feels like Milo has two alternative personalities and it is pot luck as to which you will be facing each day, or even each hour! Yesterday Milo was at his father's and I know from the numerous phone calls I received yesterday evening that Milo was also giving his father a hard time. This morning however he clearly woke up on a different side of bed. What was even more surprising is that when I picked up Milo from Kita (nursery / daycare) today which usually involves many tears, kicking and screaming, Milo was a gem. There was a slight moan here and there but he mainly sat calmy on my lap as I plied on the layers of clothing and even more strange, the children who usually happily (and calmly) chat to their parents as they prepare them for stepping out into the cold, they were crying and throwing tantrums all over the place?! What a turn around. I sat there dumbfounded.

Sometimes when I have days like this with Milo. As we sit on the sofa in his bedroom, singing ' Incy Wincy Spider', hand movements and all, I have moments where I look back to life before motherhood and think how I couldn't imagine what I would be like as a mother. I never knew if I would get the joy you always feel a mother should feel when experiencing such moments with your child but boy do I! Days like I had earlier in the week, I think, 1 child is enough, days like today I think, I could have a handful of these little people!

Working out a Storm

Today I took my first steps inside a gym (to actually use the equipment rather then the joining process or to have a look around) for a loooooooooooooooooong time. The last time I worked out in one was when I lived in London and I used to go to a Government run gym in Swiss Cottage, North London maybe 8 years ago or so! Blimey! Where do the years go?!

'The Lawyer' and I both became members of a gym company here aptly (and laughingly) called 'McFit'. There are a few of them spread around Berlin, one being in Neukölln where I live which is not too close but close enough and 'The Lawyer' has one just two tram stops or a 15 minute walk from his front door. Waking up in the mood to go for a workout this morning we decided to go with the momentum whilst we actually had the willpower and off we went through the snow and through the shiny double doors of the place whose slogan reads ''einfach gut aussehen'' (''simply look good''). A number of the people who were to be found inside didn't quite fit said slogan but that aside it was a successful visit. I tried out the bicycles whilst watching the TV to find out the latest news highlights and watch cute kids falling over laughing whilst watching a dog walk around?! I then went over the rowing machine on which I nearly killed myself trying to chase down fish (the machine had a game installed on it where you row in order to catch as many fish as you on the screen within the 3.30minute time limit) and then I worked on my thighs (one of my main reasons for needing the gym!) on some crazy machine that looked like some sort of instrument of torture. In the main I enjoyed the time there even if 'The Lawyer' and I felt a bit silly going there as a couple (it did feel ridiculously modern and cheesy!). I'm looking forward to many more workouts and perhaps even a slighlt more toned body!!!

Looking Back

Milo as he was inside my belly

Over the last days I have been emailing back and forth with someone who recently had a baby. The emotions, the exhaustion, the frustration. It has me thinking through alot of how things were back then. It's a weird place to go back to in my head but I think it's healthly to remind yourself of how things were and the fact that however hard things were you managed to get through it.

I wrote in a previous post a long while back that it's a good thing that I wasn't writing this blog during that time as it would have been way too emotionally wrought and depressing I think and would have no doubt turned any readers off or made them crazy themselves.

Milo about 30 Mins after he was born

That adjustment one goes through when stepping into the relms of Motherhood is immense. IMMENSE. I don't doubt that father's too have to go through a major readjustment period but I just can't compare that to the enormity of how the Mother's world changes. For me I had to learn to come to terms with this baby I had in my arms. This baby who never wanted to leave my arms! (he still often doesn't seem to want to even at 20 months and now weighing a hell of a lot more!). I had bonded with this little being who was roaming around in my belly. We danced together (which was undoubtedly a weird sight for my neighbours across the way who would have seen a rather rotund lady dancing around her living room hugging her belly!), I read books to him, I played him my favourite Bowie and Johnny Cash songs and then suddenly there he was and I didn't recognise the being that was handed to me. I had major bonding issues with Milo. I believe this is in the main down to the horrendous labour I went through with Milo and the emotional trauma (yes I know this is a strong word but I can't describe it as anything but that) that came with that and the time after. I mentioned briefly to my midwife that I missed the baby I had had inside me, so much so in fact that I sometimes thought I felt him kicking (which of course couldn't have been happening as Milo was outside of me and screaming or pooing as little babies like to do!) and she said that some people feel like that but not to worry. Other then that I didn't tell people at the time about how much I was struggling. My friendship that I now have so deeply with 'The Ladies' (a closeknit group of friends I have hear whom I met whilst pregnant and we all stayed in touch and meet weekly) was only in the burgeoning stages and so I didn't yet feel that I could open up about such things plus they hadn't yet had their own babies and I didn't want to freak them out with all that was going on in my head. I would slip in little comments here and there but would mainly say it in a joking way and made light of what was really a deeply heart-wrenching subject for me. I hid it well it seems as when I later admitted to the issues that had gone on then people said that they didn't have a clue that things were so bad.

 My old favourite sitting position with Milo when we would play and chat

The fact is though that I want more children. In my head I like the idea of having another two (we'll wait and see how I feel after just having to deal with 2 first though!!!). Whatever I went through with Milo, as hard as those first 8/9 months were, I do want to try again. Do I think it will be different? In some ways yes. Next time I hope not to be going through it alone but this in itself will just bring in new difficulties as welcoming a newborn into the world with a partner has its own challenges and I would have to let up my control-freakiness which is not something I do easily. I also hope (I have to!) that the labour won't be quite so difficult next time and that should make a difference. I will of course however be scared. I often tell 'The Lawyer' about the realities of how trying a time it is with a new child, trying to dispell some of the naiivety that I also had in abundance before having Milo about how it really is but I am also aware that I remember the time too much as only being negative and it wasn't. I look back at some of the videos from that time with a fresh vision now and I can see that there were blissful moments. Moments when I could just lie and watch him. My lovely Milo. I think one of my favourite positive memories from that time was one day when I was soooooooooo exhausted that I though stuff it. I'm just going to lie down on my bed (back when I actually had a proper bed still) and cuddle Milo in my arms next to me and I'm going to try and sleep and believe it or not. A miracle to beat all miracles! Milo and I actually managed to sleep like that. I have no idea how long for and it never happened so easily again but for that moment it was just such a beautiful thing.

 My special boy back in May 2009!